~night swimming~ heya, kids… welcome

May 31, 2002 | Leave a Comment

~night swimming~

heya, kids… welcome to the Insomniac Cafe.
actually, i’m not *that* wide awake. i’m tired, but it is just really warm and humid here at the moment and i’m having trouble falling asleep. (75F with 86% humidity - gah!) plus, i have stuff rumbling around in my brain, so that never helps.

two big things are happening tomorrow:

first, we are definitely putting one of our cats, Timmy, to sleep. it’s scheduled for the early afternoon. as some of you know, his health has steadily been declining over the past few months. J and i have been considering doing this for awhile now, and tonight we decided it is time. i think it is going to be much harder on J than me; Timmy was really his cat in many ways. they have been best buddies for almost 2 decades now.

J told me tonight: “I remember when we got Tim — I didn’t even really want another cat, and especially not him. He smelled like a barnyard. Now I can’t imagine what it will be like without him following me around all the time. I love him.”

it makes me sad to see him hurting like this — well, both of them — and there isn’t anything i can do to make it better.

second big thing for tomorrow:

i go to the psychiatrist to discuss medication adjustments.
the more i thought about it, the more it ticked me off that i would be expected to wait 2+ weeks to get in to see a doctor when i really feel awful and need help right now. apparently the term “suicidal ideation” just doesn’t ring a bell with some people anymore. bah.

so i called the clinic and told them that i didn’t want to wait. i said that if the doctor was going to change my prescriptions, i would rather do it right away than stay in this mental blackness for several more weeks. (new meds usually take a while before they start to work. sometimes up to a month.)

of course, the snippy scheduling clerk flipped through the appointment book loud enough for me to hear, then sighed, “I’m sorry but you are scheduled for the first available time already…”

me: “Yes, I realize that. But I am really not well and I need to see someone sooner.”

::audible flip-flip-flip and then pen chewing::

the twit: “Hmmm.. I just don’t know…”

me: “Can I speak with one of the doctors or a nurse? Maybe I can explain it to them in a way that they can understand.”

my inner demon: because you are obviously about as sharp as a sock full of monkey turds, lady.

the twit: “Are you feeling as if you want to harm yourself right now?”

my inner demon: ummm, no… i am feeling as if i want to reach through the phone and choke the living crap out of you, Susie Secretary. now put the damn nurse on the line.

me: “That’s something I prefer to discuss with a nurse or doctor, but thank you for your concern. May I speak with one or the other NOW?”

the twit: “Oh…hmm… sure. Let me see if anyone is in.”

me: “Thank you, very much. By the way, what was your name again?”

my inner demon: because i want to know exactly who NOT to deal with again if i can help it… and i need to know what name to give the voodoo doll i am constructing in your likeness.

the twit: “I can’t remember my name; I am too stupid… *tee hee* ”

ok, so i made up that last part, but you get the idea.

the thing that bothers me most about this is that there has been this huge campaign in the United States to take the stigma out of mental illness and depression. they encourage people to get help as soon as they realize they need it and not to wait before things get worse. i don’t know how many times i have read in mental health brochures the line that says “If you had a broken leg or another serious illness, you wouldn’t hesitate to seek help, would you?” grrrr.

well, why in the fuck does a mental health clinic think it’s ok for someone to wait weeeeeeeks before they can see a doctor? it just blows me away.

so, anyway, a nurse “magically found” an opening in one of the doctor’s schedule for Friday, that is, today. imagine that! must of moved around a few tee times at the course.

i can just imagine the shrink’s notepad tomorrow:

“Patient is one huge cranky bitch with a bad attitude. Schedule for weekly shots with a tranquilizer gun. Don’t forget to wear a cup while administering treatment.”

heh. i’ll let you know how it goes.

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

mmm… kissie-kissie! this is Natasha,

May 29, 2002 | Leave a Comment

mmm… kissie-kissie!

this is Natasha, the good morning lip-smacker a.k.a. Little Miss Starkist Tuna. she’s wonderfully sweet for a 17-year-old kitty. wish i could say the same about her breath in the morning.

(shhhh.. don’t tell her i said this! she might fire me from her staff of servants.)

Tashie in the blankies.
05.29.02

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

caution: fuzzy-brained entry ahead here’s

May 29, 2002 | Leave a Comment

caution: fuzzy-brained entry ahead

here’s the latest:

Sucky Neighbors managed to wake me up out of a double-xanax coma last night as they decided to clean their garage out at 2 a.m…. these fuckers must DIE. seriously. if they do it again tonight, i am going out there naked and toting a baseball bat. that should scare them all to death.
i have a support group meeting tonight. which means i will have to open up enough to be supported. color me apathetic.
the Carolina Hurricanes stomped the Toronto Maple Leafs last night, eliminating them from the Stanley Cup playoffs. did i laugh hysterically as this happened? oh yes, i did.
when i was awake and in a zombified state in the middle of the night, i taught myself how to make these little listy things with HTML code. chic, no? it never ceases to amaze me what i can learn even while in a complete stupor.
my cat, Nastasha, crawled in bed with me this morning and kissed me on the lips. she had just eaten tuna for breakfast. mmmm. (i was going to make a really off-color lesbian joke here, but i will refrain….)
have you noticed the new “word of the day” things on the menu to the right? one of today’s words is “dilatory”… which i think should be my new first name.
the battle of Flu-A-Palooza 2002 is almost over in our household. only the occasional hoarseness of voice and minor coughing jags persist. this was definitely a record-setting illness for us — we went through 11 large boxes of Kleenex, 2 bottles of cough syrup, and a huge jar of vapor rub in 2.5 weeks. however, most of the credit for our recovery should go to the healing powers of massive doses of plain M & M’s and 70’s rock music. ahhh.. the powers of home remedies.

i suddenly remembered something else that i need to be doing. i’ll catch up with you guys again soon~ ~ ~

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

the summer begins Memorial Day

May 28, 2002 | Leave a Comment

the summer begins

Memorial Day is considered the “unofficial” start of summer around these parts, and it did kind of feel like spring said goodbye yesterday. it was pretty warm, a little muggy, and i think i got a splash of a sunburn across my nose while i was working in the yard.
and, uh… the mosquitoes were out in the evening, too. yup! it’s summer.
J and i got almost all of the bedding plants in over the weekend. all except for the moss roses, which are going to be gorgeous wherever we decide to put them. they are bright, healthy and look like they are glowing when the sun hits them. i want them lining the edge of the front sidewalk, near the steps… but J thinks they will get covered up by droopy peony bushes there. he thinks they would do nicely in a sunny part of the flowerbed in front of the house, but the problem with that is they will be too tempting for the little neighbor kids to destroy. hmmm. what to do.

speaking of flowers and neighbor kids, Bumbling Bill and BlackCherry were away for the entire day on Sunday and the children absolutely shredded all of the plants in their yard. (yes, i am talking about their own grandkids — in their own yard!) apparently Mama Marsha was hungover and asleep inside when she was supposed to be watching them.

those brats made mincemeat out of that place. they ripped off all the rosebuds on all of the plants and most anything with petals and leaves was stripped bare. they even dumped out potted plants. it was wild! we didn’t see any of the destruction until after it was done, so there wasn’t much we could do. holy wow, you should have heard the hollerin’ that went on when Bill and BlackCherry saw everything! this was the first year they had planted stuff because they have been trying to get the yard presentable — *cough* — for a party they are hosting next weekend.

i know this sounds bad, but J and i were listening to all of it and rolling on the bedroom floor laughing our asses off. the petal-plucking monsters finally got them and now they know how everyone else in the neighborhood feels. bwwwahaha!

other than that, it has been pretty quiet this weekend. i basically slept, cooked, worked in the yard, and did lots of thinking. some of the mental fog seems to be lifting a bit at times and i get moments of clarity, but i know that is just part of the process of how my depressive disorder works. when i was given one of the clinical tests for depression last week, my score was over twice the number of points allowed before someone requires “immediate treatment”… so, yeah… i’ll take the sunny moments when they occur, but i’m still keeping my eye on that big, black storm cloud.

i would like to say thanks to everyone who has emailed or left me wonderful notes of encouragement. (Leann! hug-hug!)

it has really helped me feel less isolated and more understood. i guess all i had to do was speak up. i keep forgetting that part.

a special thanks to The Count for always, always being there and reminding me of everything that i still have to contribute to the world.

i love ya, Count … and i owe you big time. big time.

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

reality check i’ve been wanting

May 26, 2002 | Leave a Comment

reality check

i’ve been wanting to write this entry all week, but couldn’t figure out exactly how i wanted to word things. so i am just going to ramble and trust that you all can sort it out. hell, you’re cool like that, you know?

if you have been reading my journal for awhile you know i have been dealing with depression throughout my life. for the last six months or so i have had myself convinced that i’ve been dealing with all of my recent life changes fairly well. i’ve dealt with graduating, moving back home with Agent J after 3 years of living apart, looking for work, setting up a temporary studio, etc..

the truth is, i am not handling it well at all and i’ve finally come out of denial about it. i am stuck somewhere in another major depressive “episode” and it’s been getting progressively worse for about 6 months now. this is the fourth severe episode of my adult life, all of which have occurred during times of personal upheaval. for some reason i’ve been intent on keeping up a good front this time and ignoring all of the warning signs and symptoms. i had even been censoring my feelings and thoughts with Barbara during our long distance telephone therapy sessions. i was running from what i knew was happening.

i guess denying, wishful thinking, and keeping a stiff upper lip isn’t a match for depression, though.

the good news is that i am getting the help i need for it. i called my former long-time therapist here in town, Dr. Keith, and he has worked me into his schedule. we’ve met a few times already and i feel a bit more stabile than i have for quite awhile. i’m supposed to go and meet with the psychiatrist, a.k.a. “the pill-pusher”, in a couple of weeks and we’ll probably discuss adjusting my anti-depressant medications at that time. i’m not particularly thrilled about that, but if it is necessary in order to get myself out of this pit i am in, i’ll do it.

i just want to be the original me, whoever that is.

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized