I should have just gone

June 30, 2002 | Leave a Comment

I should have just gone to sleep…

“We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.”

~Joseph Roux

After I read for a while, I went on IRC to chat with a close friend of mine. For nearly 5 years, we have laughed, talked and shared our lives with each other. But over the recent months something has changed. When I found him tonight he could barely spare me a moment or two, all because he was too busy with his new friend. I felt like he was just throwing me a bone by even saying hello.

It is breaking my heart because tonight I finally realized that I’m not as important to him as I once was and I never will be again. By his choice, our friendship will never be the same.

I know his new friend reads this journal frequently. I just want to tell her to treat him well. He means more to me than I can express in words, even though it doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

Weekend Update, live from Dubuque!

June 30, 2002 | Leave a Comment

Weekend Update, live from Dubuque!

My good friend, Maddog (see The Cast of Players) sent me this link to an online joke. Caution: Rated “R” for language — but it’s so damn funny! My favorite line was “Pasteurize that,bitch!”

Also, I ran across this link and about peed my pants with laughter. (Hey, I’m gettin’ old, so give me a break. I heard the bladder is the first thing to go…heh.)

Have a good chuckle; I’ll post more when I get ‘em.

The central air is IN, baby! ooOOOoo, the cold, nipply goodness is wonderful! I can’t believe that I slept through the entire installation. Hammers banging, drills going through sheet metal, men talking and laughing in the basement. I was oblivious to it all.
I think there are a few reasons for that. First, I was tired as hell from staying up so late to update my resume and cover letter. Second, I knew J was home and he was watching over the process, so I felt safe. Finally, I am so used to J working on a remodeling project around the house that I just tune out all construction noise. He once used a loud powersaw in the room next to where I was sleeping and I didn’t even wake up — ha!

One of the best side benefits of the central air is that we can now keep all of the windows shut and we barely hear The Sucky Neighbors unless they are having a full-scale Battle Royale over there. It is soooo sweet!

My temporary studio is all set up in our dining room now. As much as I appreciate having had the room at the retreat house to work in, it just really wasn’t comfortable to be there. Besides the unbearable heat, the sisters always seemed to be going in there for some reason or another. I suppose they felt they had to keep an eye on me so I wouldn’t do anything sacrilegious –you know how we artists are *eyeroll* — but it was bugging the hell out of me. I think the worst things I did while I was there was say “damn” when I dropped a loaded paintbrush on the floor, and listen to some nasty blues music with my headphones on. I mean, in all seriousness, I was too inhibited to fart let alone paint anything from my subconscious. I still love the nuns and I’m grateful to them, but it was definitely time to move on.

On Monday I am going out to get a few special supplies to begin the commissioned painting of that doctor’s house I told you about before. I’ll post a photo of the place soon so you can see what I will be up to for the next few weeks.

I’m off to bed to read for awhile now. Goodnight friends… don’t forget to give me a clix!

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

The Friday Five & some

June 28, 2002 | Leave a Comment

The Friday Five & some chit-chat, too

And off we go!

When was the last time you…

1. …sent a handwritten letter?
Hmmm… June 16th, Father’s Day. I’m actually remembering to send all of the greeting cards I buy now and I’m even including a note or letter as well. It is nice to have my mind functioning at full capacity again.
2. …baked something from scratch or made something by hand?
When the ‘Rents visited a few weeks ago I made my famous “Chris’s Mind-Blowing Cherry Crisp” — everyone loved it! I won’t be doing anymore baking for awhile now because of the weight loss program I am on, but that’s ok.

3. …camped in a tent?
Good heavens — never! My idea of “roughing it” is having to bring my own hair dryer to the hotel I’m staying in. Yeah, I know, I’m a big wussie.
4. …volunteered your time to church, school, or community?
It has been quite awhile; maybe almost a year ago. Now that I am feeling better I am looking around for ways to get involved with helping other people. I would really like to work with other survivors of sexual abuse.

5. …helped a stranger?
I helped 3 strangers just about an hour ago, though they don’t know it. I was downtown at the local health food store and when I came out of the building I saw the parking police coming up the street. The three cars parked in front of mine all had expired meters, so I quickly plugged a quarter into each one. The cool part of it is that I usually never carry coins and I had been given exactly enough change in the store to feed those meters, hehe.

I had my second weigh-in today and it was really good. Like I said, I won’t give any exact numbers until the end of this process, but I will tell you that in two weeks I have lost over 20 pounds. I’m really excited about this and feel that for the first time in my life I have a fighting chance at losing all of the weight I want to and keeping it off.

There’s a lot going on around the house this weekend. The central air is being installed on Saturday morning and the workers are supposed to be out of here by noon or so. Which is good, because I am moving my studio out of the convent and into our dining room tomorrow, too. The little room I was renting at the retreat house was on the top floor of the building and it didn’t have air-conditioning. It was 90F in there most of the past two weeks, and I just wasn’t getting any work done. It will be great to get back home into the coolness and the privacy. Ahhhhh…. :)~

J’s dad called last night and cancelled his trip for this weekend. Apparently his dog, Bandit (a very hyper dalmation), went off on tear around the farm earlier in the week and somehow managed to rip off a dew-claw — yikes! — and it’s not healing well at the moment. He didn’t think the dog would board very well at the vet’s, so Daddy Al thought it would be best to postpone his visit until another time.

I can completely understand that situation. As much as I have loved all of my pets, they can be a pain in the butt when you want to travel for more than a few days. I think my next pet will be a tiny little dog that I can carry with me wherever I go.

I hope everyone has a great Friday night and an excellent weekend! More later, gang ~ ~ ~

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

The Wednesday Catch-all First, something

June 26, 2002 | Leave a Comment

The Wednesday Catch-all

First, something visual… because I’m just that kind of girl.

The Ghostwalk at New Melleray Abbey
06.26.02

I was thinking about spirits again today, so I drove to one of my favorite places. New Melleray Abbey is waaaaaay out in the Iowa countryside and it is really one of the most beautiful, peaceful places to go and meditate. This is a photo of the “ghostwalk” next to the little church that is on the property. They used to be very common in the old days, I guess. The story goes that if you took the path through the ghostwalk at night to get up to the front steps of the church, you would be safe from all evil spirits who may be lurking in the nearby graveyard. I don’t know about that, but I do know there is a magical feeling as you walk between the row of trees. You really do feel protected in a way.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share that with all of you.

I am really excited about a job opportunity that has suddenly opened up! It’s at my undergraduate college here in town. They are looking for an adjunct Art History professor for this fall. So far, I don’t have many details about the course, but I put in a call to my first painting mentor (who is still the lead prof in the department) and he will probably be getting back to me soon. I want to know a few more of the particulars before I submit my resume. I hoping it would be an enjoyable course to teach, and something that I am well versed in already. Maybe Impressionism or 20th Century Art. Heaven forbid that it would be Ancient Egyptian Art or another mind-numbing subject. Stay tuned for more details as the story develops!

I went to the Sexual Abuse Survivors support group tonight. There was a new member there and she seemed very nice. She also seemed to be a bit scared, too, as if she wasn’t sure she could trust any of us yet. When she spoke about being a survivor she had a matter-of-fact tone to her voice, and she admitted that she rarely shows emotion of any kind. I could tell they were just below the surface, though.

I remember when I was at that stage, some 12 years ago. Not only was it painful for me to have all of that locked inside, but it was frustrating for the counselors that were trying to help me as well. I could talk about the abuse in general, but that was it. I couldn’t get angry about it, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t admit all of the ways it had affected my life. To admit that I had been hurt so badly was to admit I was once weak and vulnerable, and I sure wasn’t going to be that way anymore. It took almost a year of consistent therapy before I trusted people enough to be able to talk in detail about what had happened to me. After that, I began expressing my pain.

Meeting this woman tonight at group has brought two things closer into focus for me. First is that I have worked extremely hard over the years and I have healed so much already. Secondly, I realize that I have to continue sharing my history when it is appropriate to do so. There are people that desperately need to hear that there is hope and that they can find way out of the hellish nightmare as long as they don’t give up.

Despite what happened to me, I have been blessed and I know it. I want to help others know it for themselves, too.

Alright, it’s off to bed for this girl. Tomorrow is another work out day at the gym and I don’t want to be so tired that I drop a barbell on my toe. Again. (Don’t ask.)

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

Oooo…spooky! Last night after I

June 25, 2002 | 1 Comment

Oooo…spooky!

Last night after I posted that information about the Mathias Ham House, I did a little research on the web to see if I could learn some more of it’s history. Apparently it’s haunted! Go here and read all the spooky details… bwwwahahaha…

Notice anything different about this page? Look carefully. Yep, I am starting to use proper capitalization. The all lowercase writing began for me about 5 years ago - I even wrote and submitted my first Master’s Thesis in lowercase, and for the first time in history the University accepted one in that form. I defended it as part of my artistic expression, which it was. Heee, I loved that.

I guess my artistic expression has evolved to a more formal state. Hmmm. I wonder how and when that happened?

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized