The Wednesday Catch-all, #35 or
July 31, 2002 | Leave a Comment
The Wednesday Catch-all, #35 or something.
Ahh? I just got home. I am so glad today is over with. I?ve been dreading this final support group meeting for a few weeks and it feels good to just let the whole matter go now.
It actually went better than I anticipated it might, but I could tell that there is a distance between the facilitator and myself now. I think she feels personally insulted that I dropped out of the group. There?s nothing that I can do to change her feelings, though. I am going to keep in touch with her and another one of the group members, so I am hoping that she will eventually understand that it was nothing personal. It was just time to move on.
Keith was extremely supportive of my decision today and he encouraged me to do what I felt was best for myself. As we were talking about it he said that I may want to explain it to them this way: When I am in the midst of a major depressive episode (which I was when I first started in the group) I reach out for help wherever I can find it. When my depression is in remission I do extraordinarily well on my own, which is what I prefer.
That is so true. I wish I could carry Keith around in my pocket some days just so he could help me translate my thoughts into words. Maybe I?ll have to hire him as my speech writer when I become outlandishly famous. 
One word he used kind of scared me, though. Remission. Each time I make it through another depressive episode, I somehow try to convince myself that it was the last one I?ll ever have to endure. To me, remission means the depression is lying in wait and could possibly (fuck, who am I kidding ? probably) happen again in the future. I can?t tell you how much I loathe the thought of that.
Oh, well. I am just going to be thankful for the brightness and clarity of mind that I have today, and trust that I?ll be able to handle whatever may come in the future. That?s really all I can do.
On a totally different note, I would like to say thank you to everyone out there who has been giving me a CLIX after you read my journal. It is has helped me move up in the ranks at Diarist.net, where my journal is currently ranked at #23. Yippeeee! I?ve been noticing the increase in daily hits to this site, plus I?ve been receiving a great deal of email from new readers, too. It feels nice to be a part of people?s lives in this way. Thanks again for your support everyone. 
Well, that?s all for now? more tomorrow, gang! xoxoxox
Summer Funkitude Meh. What a
July 30, 2002 | Leave a Comment
Summer Funkitude
Meh. What a day.
I haven?t done a single thing today except daydream. Usually that tells me that there is a painting inside, bubbling to the surface ? which is a good thing — but I just don?t care for the spacey, unproductive feeling that precedes it sometimes. It is sort of like being in a trance.
I have to update you about what is going on with the situation regarding the survivor?s support group. I talked about it some last week in this journal, about how I feel ready to leave this particular group because its just not working for me, and move on, etc. Well, I contacted the group?s facilitator and we got together this past Monday to talk about it. It seemed that no matter what I said, she wouldn?t accept the fact that I am dropping out. I tried very hard to explain it the best way that I could. By the end of our meeting, the agreement was that I will attend group tomorrow night, explain how I feel, and tell everyone that I am taking ?a break? for a while. I would never leave the group without saying goodbye in person, so attending the meeting isn?t a problem. I planned to do that all along. However, I?ve thought about it even more now and to be honest, I?m a bit angry that the facilitator wouldn?t take no for an answer. I know what I want and what I need. I don?t need to ?take a break?; I need to leave completely and be done with it. So that is what I am going to tell them tomorrow night.
You know, it really isn?t a good sign when attending a support group causes more conflict instead of providing a peaceful respite.
Keith has been on vacation for the past few weeks, and tomorrow I have a session with him for the first time in quite awhile. He?ll probably enjoy digging through my brain regarding this support group issue for a bit. It will be good to get his input on it, even though I know I?m doing the right thing anyway. Of course, we?ll have to delve into topic of ?avoidance? ? something that I have been known to do on occasion ? but I am confident that I am not leaving the group just to avoid something painful or uncomfortable.
We?ll probably discuss how the weight loss is going, too, and if I am handling all of the changes well. So far I think I am. The true test is going to come later on, when I am much slimmer and men start giving me more attention than they already do. Guys who prefer their women well-padded have always been drawn to me, but I always felt safe because I was big? and couldn?t be toted off easily to some dark, spooky place and be hurt. But what will it be like when I am smaller? Just thinking of that causes a panic somewhere inside.
Ugh. Ok. Time to change the subject before I freak myself out too much.
Agent J is taking the day off this Friday and he said he wants to go on a day trip. One of his friends from work told him about a Frank Lloyd Wright designed home about fifty miles from here that is apparently pretty cool. It?s open for public tours, so I have a feeling that is what we?ll be doing that afternoon. It will be sooooo nice to get out of town for awhile and see something new. I?ll have to take lots of digital photos and share a few with you if we go.
That is if I can locate and re-install the software that allows me to transfer the images from my camera to the computer. Yes, I am STILL re-installing stuff on this machine. Just when I think I?m finished, I go to use a program that is no longer there ? doh! It?s going to take some time to get everything back to normal, I guess. Damn computer virus anyway.
Alright, I have distracted you enough. Time for you to shoo and get back to your busy and productive life. I?ll get back to mine, too. Heh. Riiiiight?;)
Nightscape its late and sleep
July 30, 2002 | Leave a Comment
Nightscape
its late and sleep won’t come again i don’t know why or who is keeping me awake and will not allow me the pleasure of a dream i went outside and breathed in the cool lush grassiness the flavor of the air passing over my lips like his good kisses tongue and all it is so quiet at night my neighborhood is like a vacant movie set just waiting for its stars to reappear with the sun i looked up at the sky and wondered if the director of this film was watching over me was whispering his benediction as i sat there alone in the dark thinking thinking of the years i spent as lady blue wondering what have i lost what have i gained who have i blessed who have i pained
Lighter and Lighter Ok, here?s
July 28, 2002 | Leave a Comment
Lighter and Lighter
Ok, here?s the good news! I went in last Friday afternoon for my every-other-week weigh-in, and I am happy to tell you that since June 15th, I have lost 60+ pounds. That?s one dozen five pound bags of potatoes. That?s like one of those huge bags of kitty litter. That?s like half of a supermodel!!
Needless to say, I am glad to be rid of it and it isn?t coming back this time. I?ve figured out why it seemed necessary for me to put it on (over and over again), and now I realize it isn?t something I need. I’m strong, intelligent, and courageous — and I don’t have to maintain a physical barrier between myself and the rest of the world any longer.
Remember that dream that I wrote about earlier this month? (See July 6th) In that dream, I was told that I might re-experience or recall painful events as each layer of my fat disappeared. I think some of that has actually been happening the past few days. I?m now at the weight I was during my very first semester at Notre Dame, almost 4years ago. Every once in awhile I get a brief period of panic, extreme loneliness, or the need to be hyper-vigilant. It lasts for about 15 minutes, and then subsides. That was a normal mixture of emotions for that situation, but it seems to be out of place in my life right here, right now. Very strange, indeed.
I?m feeling introspective, a bit distant, and very tired at the moment. I think it?s time for some prayers and then a good night?s sleep. I?ll write again soon. xoxoxox everyone….
Back in the Saddle? or
July 27, 2002 | Leave a Comment
Back in the Saddle? or something like that.
Well, well? the past few days have been quite an adventure in Christine?s Crazy Computer Land. You won?t believe what happened?
At some point on Thursday morning, I downloaded something that was infected with a virus and it started consuming data on my hard drive faster than starving rats on a piece of cheese. Yes, I have an excellent anti-virus program installed on my computer, and yes, it was completely up to date on the latest definitions. In fact, it had just updated a couple hours before the virus hit. Gah! Apparently whatever got into my computer?s system is a very recent strain; the customer support techs had received 3 calls the previous day, and I was the fifth caller on Thursday evening needing help with the exact same problem. No known cures, only drastic measures could be taken.
To make a long, drawn-out, mentally exhausting story short, I had to save what data I could off my hard drive onto floppy disks (CD writing devices will not work when the comp is in safe mode, I unfortunately discovered!) and then TOTALLY wipe the drive clean. This all had to be done as quickly as possible before all of the files were gobbled up by the virus. Welcome to my wee-hours-of-Friday-morning entertainment, friends!
Next, I had to reinstall Windows 98. Then I had to figure out how to reconnect to the internet so I could re-download copies of essential drivers that I needed to make everything function properly. Install. Download Eudora again. Install! Download every !@#$% program previously on my computer that was too large to be saved to a floppy disk. Install, install, install, i n s t a l l ?
The biggest loss of data included an enormous file of graphics and photoshop projects, and of course? my entire Mp3 collection, which had built up to a near legendary status of high-quality recordings. (Cue up the bootlegged Itzak Perlman violin music as I weep, please.)
*Sigh* I was not a happy camper for a few hours.
Fortunately, underneath my clever disguise as a disgruntled pessimist, I happen to be an eternal optimist. There were quite a few good things that came out of this virus fiasco.
~I have learned a great deal about how a computer actually works and all of its goofy little protocols, etc.
~I have learned, again, that artworks, photographs, images, music, are all fleeting experiences that can be lost at any moment, for any reason.
~I learned that a customer support tech from Mississippi can be one of the funniest people in the world to talk to at 4 in the morning, especially when you are both half asleep.
~I?ve learned that compiling information on a machine can never replace a good old-fashioned address book that you can keep in your desk drawer.
~I discovered that if I really concentrate, I can read and understand technical manuals. My brain nearly exploded, but I managed it, dammit!
~I re-evaluated the importance of a computer in my life. I sat and pondered for quite awhile that first night about what is would be like to be without a comp ? permanently. I decided that I would most likely create more ?hard copy? artwork, that being paintings, sculptures, etc. I would probably socialize with people more face-to-face and develop enduring relationships. I would get more exercise than I do, write actual letters to friends again, get busy on more projects around the house, and procrastinate far less. I would read many more books in my personal library rather than surf the web and compulsively bookmark sites. (You never know the outrageous number of bookmarks that you have until they are gone!)
As I see it, this major computer ?crash? has helped me re-evaluate a lot of things and choose what is most important. I also learned a lot about what I take for granted. I?m not kidding you; I think every PC owner/addict should have this happen to them at least once. It?s a good all-around learning experience.
And to all of my smug, Mac-using buddies out there: don?t be laughing too loudly. I know that Macs don?t get viruses, but there is more than one way to skin an addict. You never know what might happen?someday… when you least expect it.
Another entry tomorrow, friends. I?ll tell you then about my latest weigh-in!
Welcome to the here and now.
My name is Christine Thurow and I am a professional artist, living in my lovely home state of Iowa. I warn you, I can be very annoying, but most people end up loving me... which is good, because I can't help falling in love with the rest of my fellow human beings. (Yes, even you asshats out there.)
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