Quizzies and happiness.

January 30, 2003 | 2 Comments

I just wrote up my first pop quizzie for my students to take tomorrow. Bwwahahaha!

A good quiz is a lot more difficult to compose than one might think. Well, it was for me anyway. There aren?t any trick questions on it, but they?ll have to know the material pretty well to get the right answers. It?s multiple choice and fill-in-the-blank kind of stuff, so most of them should do all right if they?ve been paying any attention whatsoever. We?ll see how it goes.

I met with Dr. K this morning and we had a good session. During our conversation I told him that for the first time in my life I feel genuinely happy and secure. I started to cry a bit when I said it, because it is so true. Then I looked up and saw that he was smiling like some proud Papa Therapist who?s favorite little headcase finally found her wings, and that made me smile and laugh, too. Then he reassured me that I deserve to be happy like this, and that?s I?ve worked hard to get this far. I needed to hear that, because sometimes I forget to give myself credit for everything I’ve accomplished.

He?s such a good guy. There are a handful of people in my life that I will never be able to repay for all they have done for me, and Dr. K is one of them.

This quiz made me chuckle? what other letter would I be? Hee!

So which letter of the alphabet matches YOUR personality, huh?

Actually, I think I am more like this Letter C! Thick, curvy, colorful and sassy-looking.

Geez, someone put me to bed or I am going to be dead-ass tired tomorrow. I have to get up bright and early for dental cleaning, too. Oh, the joy.

Goodnight everyone ~ ~ ~ have a fabu Thursday! Take good notes, too. I might quiz you on it later.

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

My search for normalcy continues.

January 27, 2003 | Leave a Comment

The physical this morning went well, even at the ungodly hour it was performed. No changes in meds, diet, etc. needed. And, the doctor even said not to worry about the hair loss stuff. Most likely it will grow back just as thick and healthy within another 6 months or so. ?Most likely?? not ?Yes, definitely.?

Oh well, I guess that?s better than hearing ?Forget it, Baldy. It ain?t never comin? back. Here? have a complimentary ?Wish You Were Hair? baseball cap.?

He also said that the same thing happens to anorexics when they starve themselves. The hair follicles die because of the shock to the person?s system. Hearing that made me suddenly recall all of the anorexics that I did a little inpatient time with at Camp Rogers in the early 90?s. Every single one of them had wispy, thin hair. Their main complaint about it was that they couldn?t hide anything in their hair to fool the nurses into thinking they had gained an ounce or two at the daily weigh-ins. One girl named Marie actually sat and wondered aloud how much less she would weigh if she lost all of her hair. She said she would rather be bald than fat.

Now, I have to tell you, remembering that just blows my mind. Because just a few months ago when this hair loss started, I tried to comfort myself by saying ?It?s ok. I?d rather be bald than fat.?

Dammit, I don?t want to be either one of those things! I just want to be healthy. And normal. Normal would be nice.

Nagging thought of the moment: I still haven?t returned my mom?s phone call from 2+ weeks ago. Can you say ?avoidance?? Yes, I knew you could. I guess I know what I?ll be talking about it therapy this week. Meh.

Good thought of the moment: I was approved to have the use of an IBM ThinkPad notebook computer for as long as I am teaching at this school, and I got to pick it up at the tech center today. This thing is so COOL! It?s like having a portable office with me all the time. I swear, if you guys knew how downright computer-phobic I was just a few years ago, it would crack you up. I was honestly afraid to touch the things because I am such a klutz I was sure I?d break them. Now I can?t get enough of ?em.

I go gah-gah over software and computer catalogues like some people drool over porno magazines. I fantasize about the perfect system and all the great toys to go with it. Little velcro bondage straps to keep all of the wires bundled nicely. Sensuous gel wrist-rests. A leather office chair? ack! See what I mean? It?s compu-porn!

I know I am sick. I know that I need help. But I?ll figure out what to do about it tomorrow. Right now, I think I am going to go curl up on the loveseat with my new ThinkPad for some quality time.

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

Monday already sucks.

January 26, 2003 | 2 Comments

Bleah.

Have you ever been out of the house all damn day, then come home to find a message on your voice mail that you wish you could just delete and pretend you didn?t hear?

That happened on Friday for me. The receptionist chick from my doctor?s office, calling to remind me that I have an 8:00 am appointment on Monday for my yearly physical exam, plus lab work so they can check blood levels, etc. Eight in the morning?! On a Monday!? Was I fucking drunk when I made that appointment? I’d never set up an appointment for that time. I suspect the scheduling clerk messed up somewhere and stuck me in that time slot just for the hell of it.

And, of course, by the time I got the message it was too late to call them back and reschedule. I?ll never understand why they have you make an appointment 12 months ahead of time anyway. It?s like having to schedule a year in advance for a self-inflicted sneak attack that you will totally forget about until it?s too late to run.

Even though I have the BEST doctors in the world (I really, really do), I just hate getting my body prodded, poked, inspected, and listened to with stethoscopes. And, yeah, I?ll admit it ? I don?t like anyone touching me anywhere unless I am at least good friends with them. I don?t know if it?s because of my abuse history, or all of the years of feeling shamed at the doctor?s office because of being fat that brings out this reaction in me. Maybe it?s the residual effect of having gone through a few major surgeries. Who knows. I just know that I?m not looking forward to 8 am tomorrow morning. Fuckity fuck.

I?ve slacked off on my schoolwork all weekend. Some things never change, even after you become the teacher. Heh. I guess I better go do a little research now or I?ll be up all night looking for information on this Leonardo dude and whatever the hell he was famous for. (Just kidding - I knowwww what he was famous for! He sang that song ?Mona Lisa? in the 50?s didn?t he?)

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

Absent Minded :P

January 25, 2003 | 2 Comments

I wrote this journal entry out last night and I forgot to post the darn thing. Doh!
So here it is now, The Friday Five … on a Saturday morning.

1. What is one thing you don’t like about your body?
My body is allergic to too many things, and it makes life difficult at times. One wrong move or exposure to an offending substance and I am congested, sneezing, watery-eyed and miserable. It pisses me off.

2. What are two things you love about your body?
I love how it responds to pleasure *wink-wink-nudge-nudge* and I really like how flexible I am throughout my entire body. I?m like a big, chunky pretzel, I am.

3. What are three things you want to change about your home?
- That 70’s Kitchen. It?s sooo 1970?s and pieced together that it?s almost laughable. We?ve avoided doing anything with it because of the financial input it will take, and also the huge mess it will create. We?re planning the huge re-do after the studio is finished, though. That ought to make for 6 months of interesting journal entries.

- I want to make the enclosed front porch more welcoming. I?m going to spruce it up this summer with a fresh coat of paint on the stucco walls and something new for the floor.

- And the third change I?d like to make to our home? Pick it straight up off the ground and move it to a nice, big lot in the country. Far, far away from The Sucky Neighbors and Company. (I would tell you more about the nasty mattress and box spring they currently have out in their backyard, but it?s too ghetto and disgusting.)

4. What are four books you want to read this year?

I am really into Joseph Campbell?s work again. There are a few of his books I want to read/re-read this year.

- “Thou Art That: Transforming Religious Metaphor”
- “The Hero With a Thousand Faces”
- “The Power of Myth”

I am also going to attempt to pick up ?A Course in Miracles? again. I know it holds a lot of wisdom for me, and maybe this time I?ll be able to understand it more completely.

5. What are five promises you have kept to yourself?
- To take the best possible care of my body, mind and spirit.
- To be honest in everything I do.
- To always admit when I have made a mistake, then apologize to whomever I have offended.
- To believe in myself no matter what.
- To remember that I am loved, and who the Source of that love is.

I took a three-hour nap tonight, and I am still tired. Dr. K has told me that it takes an average of 6 months to adjust to a major life change, like a new job, and that I should expect to be worn out for awhile. Ha! I?m telling you, this fatigue I am feeling right now is incentive NOT to take the summer off, simply so I don?t have to go through another adjustment period when school resumes in the fall.

And, yep, I will be teaching again next fall. I was just asked today if I would like to, and of course, I said yes. Actually, inside I was saying YIPEE! THEY ARE ASKING ME TO COME BACK! I?m a great teacher and they know it! WOO hoooo! I?m soooo good!

Ahem. I was just a tad bit calmer in my external reaction.

I am really tempted to start dinking around with new blog layouts and graphics again. Translation: Creative juices are flowing and I ought to be working on some paintings. However, it?s much less mental and physical work (for me anyway) to scheme and play with designs on the comp. It?s also rewarding, relaxing, and I don?t have to wash out paintbrushes or clean a messy palette afterwards.

Bingo, choice made! I?m off to Photoshop for a while. I?ll talk with you all again soon.

PS. A big to everyone who voted for me with a ?clix? this week. I actually finished in among the Top Ten Most Popular Journals on the ranking system! I really appreciate your support, friends.

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized

The Midweek Report from the frozen tundra.

January 22, 2003 | 2 Comments

How’s it going, you ask? Wonderful, wonderful, thank you very much.

My students have brilliant, hungry minds and are such creative thinkers — I am very impressed with their performance so far. I think most of them will do quite well in my courses. Yeah, I know it’s only the second week of classes, but you can actually tell quite a bit this early in the game. Their learning styles and personal idosyncrasies are already evident.

For instance, there’s one kid who’s kind of a space-cadet and I’ll probably have to keep after him and enforce The No Bullshit Rule until he falls in line and plays well with the rest of us. Then there are others who are shy and need to be handled in a totally different manner in order to help their confidence grow. The thing I like most is that they all seem to be grasping the idea that it’s ok to participate and freely ask questions in the class. Art history can be an intimidating subject (both to teach and to learn) because all of the technical data, images, artists, style shifts, etc., but if you keep it light hearted and make the atmosphere enjoyable, everyone naturally absorbs more information. I think some of the students are actually surprised to find a history professor with a sense of humor, too.
The most difficult obstacle so far has been with the damned classroom and the unauthorized “modifications” that were made to it. The Audio/Video guys have been extremely helpful with trying to get a viewing screen situation organized, but it’s not working out well at all. The images are being projected onto a single, portable, too-small screen — and apparently that is the best that can be done at the moment. However, one of my supervisors asked me about the classroom today and if things had been taken care of to my satisfaction, and when he learned that they hadn’t, he was pretty angry. He said that even if our department has to pay to have it done, the room IS going to be returned to it’s original state so we can use it. Even though it’s in another building, it is our classroom and people can’t just take it over and wreck it.

Anyway. Enough of that for tonight; things will be taken care of soon and that’s all that matters.

It’s still colder than !@#$% here. I keep expecting to see penguins running around. Tomorrow’s predicted high temperature: 7?. Next week it’s supposed to be in the 30’s, but there’s snow also forcasted. Ah well, at least the frigid temps and the snow won’t be happening at the same time, like it’s fucking Antartica, Iowa or something.

The good news is that it’s only a few more weeks before Spring is here! Thank heavens.

I need to call my mom this weekend and let her know how things are going. She actually called the night before the first day of classes and left a message wishing me luck. I haven’t gotten back to her yet, though. I’d like to think it’s because I have been so busy, but I know I could have squeezed in a phone call if I really wanted to.

I don’t know why I still pull away from her when she reaches out to me. Maybe it’s a fear of losing myself again. It’s taken me so long to find this sense of stabilty within myself that I get overly protective of it at times.

~Sigh~…

I have an appointment in the morning for some computer training, so I’m off to bed early tonight. I’ll probably have wonderful dreams of a warm, sunny day and the perfect project screen. Hee.

I hope you sleep well tonight and dream of good things. Have a great Thursday, too!

Posted by Christine | Filed Under Uncategorized