~night swimming~ heya, kids… welcome

May 31, 2002

~night swimming~

heya, kids… welcome to the Insomniac Cafe.
actually, i’m not *that* wide awake. i’m tired, but it is just really warm and humid here at the moment and i’m having trouble falling asleep. (75F with 86% humidity - gah!) plus, i have stuff rumbling around in my brain, so that never helps.

two big things are happening tomorrow:

first, we are definitely putting one of our cats, Timmy, to sleep. it’s scheduled for the early afternoon. as some of you know, his health has steadily been declining over the past few months. J and i have been considering doing this for awhile now, and tonight we decided it is time. i think it is going to be much harder on J than me; Timmy was really his cat in many ways. they have been best buddies for almost 2 decades now.

J told me tonight: “I remember when we got Tim — I didn’t even really want another cat, and especially not him. He smelled like a barnyard. Now I can’t imagine what it will be like without him following me around all the time. I love him.”

it makes me sad to see him hurting like this — well, both of them — and there isn’t anything i can do to make it better.

second big thing for tomorrow:

i go to the psychiatrist to discuss medication adjustments.
the more i thought about it, the more it ticked me off that i would be expected to wait 2+ weeks to get in to see a doctor when i really feel awful and need help right now. apparently the term “suicidal ideation” just doesn’t ring a bell with some people anymore. bah.

so i called the clinic and told them that i didn’t want to wait. i said that if the doctor was going to change my prescriptions, i would rather do it right away than stay in this mental blackness for several more weeks. (new meds usually take a while before they start to work. sometimes up to a month.)

of course, the snippy scheduling clerk flipped through the appointment book loud enough for me to hear, then sighed, “I’m sorry but you are scheduled for the first available time already…”

me: “Yes, I realize that. But I am really not well and I need to see someone sooner.”

::audible flip-flip-flip and then pen chewing::

the twit: “Hmmm.. I just don’t know…”

me: “Can I speak with one of the doctors or a nurse? Maybe I can explain it to them in a way that they can understand.”

my inner demon: because you are obviously about as sharp as a sock full of monkey turds, lady.

the twit: “Are you feeling as if you want to harm yourself right now?”

my inner demon: ummm, no… i am feeling as if i want to reach through the phone and choke the living crap out of you, Susie Secretary. now put the damn nurse on the line.

me: “That’s something I prefer to discuss with a nurse or doctor, but thank you for your concern. May I speak with one or the other NOW?”

the twit: “Oh…hmm… sure. Let me see if anyone is in.”

me: “Thank you, very much. By the way, what was your name again?”

my inner demon: because i want to know exactly who NOT to deal with again if i can help it… and i need to know what name to give the voodoo doll i am constructing in your likeness.

the twit: “I can’t remember my name; I am too stupid… *tee hee* ”

ok, so i made up that last part, but you get the idea.

the thing that bothers me most about this is that there has been this huge campaign in the United States to take the stigma out of mental illness and depression. they encourage people to get help as soon as they realize they need it and not to wait before things get worse. i don’t know how many times i have read in mental health brochures the line that says “If you had a broken leg or another serious illness, you wouldn’t hesitate to seek help, would you?” grrrr.

well, why in the fuck does a mental health clinic think it’s ok for someone to wait weeeeeeeks before they can see a doctor? it just blows me away.

so, anyway, a nurse “magically found” an opening in one of the doctor’s schedule for Friday, that is, today. imagine that! must of moved around a few tee times at the course.

i can just imagine the shrink’s notepad tomorrow:

“Patient is one huge cranky bitch with a bad attitude. Schedule for weekly shots with a tranquilizer gun. Don’t forget to wear a cup while administering treatment.”

heh. i’ll let you know how it goes.