Surfacing.

January 31, 2005

The only thing I dislike about being an artist is that when I am working ? really getting into it in the studio ? is that I am unable to numb my feelings and keep them at bay. I can?t stop them no matter what. In the past few days I?ve been struggling with painful emotions coming to the surface as I work… and then they follow me when I leave the easel behind. It’s fucking pissing me off.

The strangest thing is that it most likely won?t show up in the final product of this particular work. I?m collaging Valentine-y heart shapes to a canvas, for heaven?s sake. It probably looks pretty festive to the casual observer. It just seems odd that the pain I re-experienced during the creation of the piece won?t be discernable in the obvious subject matter. It?s confusing to me that what I see before me is not in synch with what I am feeling. The hurting is embedded in the brushstrokes, I suppose.

I think it has something to do with expelling upper body tension. That?s where I harbor my anger energy. Whenever I am angry my shoulders and arms tighten to the point that I feel like striking something is the only possible release.

Apparently, the physical act of painting and collaging releases it too. And for me, anger is usually masking pain.

Gah. I can?t talk about this anymore at the moment. It makes my head hurt.

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Comments

5 Responses to “Surfacing.”

  1. annette on February 1st, 2005 1:27 am

    Yep. My thoughts exactly.

    @

    p.s.
    Speaking of being an artist - what do you use to create your ohsoadorable kitty at the top? I love him/her!

  2. Jessica on February 1st, 2005 2:16 am

    I have a similar problem when I am writing. I will start out going to this happy and bright place and by the time I reach the end of the peice, the anger bitch I keep locked away as smacked me upside the head and laid her viscious prose on the page. It can be very frustrating.

  3. janie on February 1st, 2005 4:37 pm

    i hear ya g’friends….my writing has the same effect. since i CRY when i’m mad, it’s not unusual to find me tap tap tapping and boo-hooing at the same time

  4. dON Lee on February 2nd, 2005 8:51 am

    Nice Blog, hope you don’t mind me linking to your blog…

  5. zubrovka on February 2nd, 2005 4:41 pm

    I sense a lot of raw emotions in my photography.
    It’s usually very sublime on my part. I mean I’m not out there in the field thinking these things that show up in the images, but it comes forth on its’ on.
    I am starting to believe creativity cannot be considered a personal aspect. It is more like a force that is out there, everywhere, spinning around and occassionally it just attaches itself to individuals, drawn to them magnetically.
    To me, that makes the most sense and illustrates why creative people are often “different”. They are being thrown back and forth, in and out of the creative soak.
    :kiss:
    Z

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