The Wednesday Catch-all, #35 or

July 31, 2002

The Wednesday Catch-all, #35 or something.

Ahh? I just got home. I am so glad today is over with. I?ve been dreading this final support group meeting for a few weeks and it feels good to just let the whole matter go now.

It actually went better than I anticipated it might, but I could tell that there is a distance between the facilitator and myself now. I think she feels personally insulted that I dropped out of the group. There?s nothing that I can do to change her feelings, though. I am going to keep in touch with her and another one of the group members, so I am hoping that she will eventually understand that it was nothing personal. It was just time to move on.

Keith was extremely supportive of my decision today and he encouraged me to do what I felt was best for myself. As we were talking about it he said that I may want to explain it to them this way: When I am in the midst of a major depressive episode (which I was when I first started in the group) I reach out for help wherever I can find it. When my depression is in remission I do extraordinarily well on my own, which is what I prefer.

That is so true. I wish I could carry Keith around in my pocket some days just so he could help me translate my thoughts into words. Maybe I?ll have to hire him as my speech writer when I become outlandishly famous.
One word he used kind of scared me, though. Remission. Each time I make it through another depressive episode, I somehow try to convince myself that it was the last one I?ll ever have to endure. To me, remission means the depression is lying in wait and could possibly (fuck, who am I kidding ? probably) happen again in the future. I can?t tell you how much I loathe the thought of that.

Oh, well. I am just going to be thankful for the brightness and clarity of mind that I have today, and trust that I?ll be able to handle whatever may come in the future. That?s really all I can do.

On a totally different note, I would like to say thank you to everyone out there who has been giving me a CLIX after you read my journal. It is has helped me move up in the ranks at Diarist.net, where my journal is currently ranked at #23. Yippeeee! I?ve been noticing the increase in daily hits to this site, plus I?ve been receiving a great deal of email from new readers, too. It feels nice to be a part of people?s lives in this way. Thanks again for your support everyone.
Well, that?s all for now? more tomorrow, gang! xoxoxox