The Weekend Navel-Gazer, #2

May 31, 2003

Toilets, Spiders, Underpants and Other Good Stuff.

1. Have you ever opened an item in a store so you could smell it?

Yes, I confess I have. Several times. I?ll stop that practice as soon as shampoo manufacturers come to the realization that people don?t want to spend $5 a bottle for stuff that makes their hair smell like fucking Wild Raspberry Kool-Aid! Hint to Miss Clairol et al: Give beauty products a fragrance that ADULTs wouldn?t mind having next to their noses. Pre-schoolers seldom have the jack or the brains to buy their own shampoo, you idiots.

2. Have you ever intentionally eaten an insect?

Noooo? although there was that time when I was 5 that I temporarily stored a handful of lightning bugs in my mouth while I frantically searched my mom?s kitchen for an empty jelly jar. Hee!

I didn?t swallow any, but it sure left a bad taste in my mouth.

(Hey, didn?t Monica Lewinsky say the same thing once?)

But I digress; back to the bug issue. Did you know that during their lifetime the average person munches down 8 spiders in their sleep? It?s disgusting, but true. Eight spiders? eight crunchy little legs on each of them. Mmm mmmm. Now, that?s good eatin! I have a theory that ?morning breath? is actually ?arachnid breath? but no one wants to think about that horrible possibility.

3. Ever worn the underwear of the opposite sex?

Gawd no. That pee-pee flap thing on the front always looks like it would be drafty to me. However, I must admit, I do like the sturdy knit fabric of men?s tightie-whities. If they made all women?s undies out of stuff like that we could keep them for 10 years, just like the guys do. They wear like iron! Nobody wants to see big, heavyweight cotton panties flung up on stage at a rock concert, though. It?s all a sexist conspiracy.

4. Trapped in a well-used port-a-potty overnight, or stuck in a phone booth on a street corner for 3 full days. Take your pick, sweetie.

ARRrrrrrrrgh — that?s gross! Who writes these questions?? (Oh yeah, I do. Bah! )

This is a tough one. Sometimes people use phone booths as bathrooms, too, you know. I?d have to go with the phone booth, though. I would make collect calls to everyone I know (this means YOU!) and whine about how miserable I am. I’d tell them about how I have to pee really bad, but there?s no privacy because I?m in a big glass display case in the center of downtown. Then I?d lament about how I should have just held my nose and chose the short-term port-a-potty thing instead, stupid stupid stupid me! (I mean, has there ever been a case of someone dying from exposure to stench? I think not! I?m such a fool!)

However, another thing to consider is that the National Enquirer would probably never locate me dying of stench exposure in a ripe outhouse overnight, but you can bet ?Fatty Boom-Ba-Latty Stuck in Phone Booth 3 days!? would certainly be a headliner.

Publicity is a big factor here; I must guard my stellar reputation.

Am I making too much of this question? Ahem. I better move on.

5. Name three things that you believe bring Good Luck.