The Worst I’ve Ever Seen
October 30, 2002
About 4:00 or so last evening I decided to make a run to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I found everything I went there for, but I also returned home with something unexpected.
I am now carrying around the mental image of the absolute worst temper tantrum I have ever seen pitched in public since 1967 (more on that ‘67 incident in an upcoming entry.) This scene was so profoundly horrifying that it was the last thing I thought of before I went to sleep and the first thing that came into my mind when I woke up.
The store where I shop is located in the center of Soccermomville, Iowa. Which is right next to Daddysadoctorburg, of course. You can go there anytime of day and see an overly-liberal parent trying to reign in their spoiled rotten uber-brat of a child. It?s not uncommon to hear things like:
?Hillary, I?ve asked you nicely 100 times now ? please don?t open that package of cookies. Mommy is *starting* to get upset!?
?Tommy ? listen to me. Get down from that display case. Do you prefer the soup with the little stars, the letters, or the tiny dinosaurs? No? we’re not going to buy them all and mix them??
?Michael, honey ? sit down! You know better than to stand up in the cart. Sit! Sit! Michael, if you throw those bananas again, I?ll spank??
It?s a constant thing, I tell you. The kids are in charge of the parents. Which is why the geniuses at my store have come up with a solution to keep children entertained and somewhat caged while their powerless parents wander aimlessly through the aisles trying to hold it together long enough to buy something for dinner.
They made a shopping cart with a section on the front end that looks like a little car ? steering wheel and all. Just shove your whiny brat precious child in there and they will be happy for at least ? hour, so shop fast. Apparently, it doesn?t matter that this cart is practically the size of an actual Volkswagon rolling down the aisles, that it runs over everyone’s toes, and barrels into old ladies because Supermom can?t drive it any better than her minivan.
Apparently, all of that is worth is if the obnoxious crumb cruncher precious child is amused and under control for a few moments.
Which bring us to last night?s episode. Professional Dad was wheeling his cart of pre-packaged, microwavable shit haphazardly through the grocery store, and Little Johnny Snotmonster was in the ?car? attached to the front end. Dad found everything on his list and decided it was time to check out. This was not a good choice, according to Johnny. How dare father come to this decision without consulting him first!
I guess the inventors of the rolling, grocery Brat Mobile never stopped to think that most kids under the age of five will raise holy hell if something they enjoy is taken away from them.
I am not exaggerating when I say this: I saw this adorable blonde, chubby-cheeked preschool boy turn into a snarling, kicking, spitting demon in 3.5 seconds flat as WonderDad attempted to pry his writhing body from that ?car?. The kid let out this blood curdling scream that was so awful, the old lady next to me in the checkout line started to shake and dropped a jar of pickles.
?AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaarooooooohhhhhaaaaawaaaaaaaaahhh!?
?Let go of the cart; we have to buy the groceries now and get home. Mommy is waiting for us.?
?Aaaaaaaaaaiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!?
Boy inflicts violent kicking, slapping and hairpulling on Daddy. Daddy just takes it.
?Would someone please take this cart away as soon as I get him out of it? That might work,? asks Daddy.
Horrified clerks and customers watch and listen, mouths gaping.
The store manager directs the checkout boys to rush to the father?s aide. They will do anything to shut up that kid up and get them out of the store as soon as possible. They whisk the ?car? away as soon as Daddy pries Junior’s grubby little fingers off the steering wheel and extricates him from it.
?Aaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggarooooooooo!!! I HATE YOU DADDY! I HATE YOU!?
Picture snot bubbles bursting furiously from the kid?s nose as he sobs, wails and goes all Jackie Chan on Daddy.
?I?m sure you do, son. That?s ok. It?s alright to be angry.?
The boy, who has now been set down on the floor because of the uncontrollable thrashing, now begins to bang his head against the checkout counter with a deafening *kaboom*kaboom*kaboom*. The horrendous screaming gets even worse than ever. Daddy?s legs are now being beaten to a pulp as the groceries are scanned and he shakily tries to write out the check.
Onlookers gather around and stare, transfixed, wondering what will happen next.
In all of my life, I never would have predicted what DID happen next.
?I HATE YOU DADDYYyyyyyy *groaaaaannn*grunnnnnnnnt?**GRRRRRuuuuunnnn**…..? came out of the monster?s beet-red face.
You guessed it. The little tyrant crapped his pants!! A three-year-old who can shit on command! Who knew?? Never in a million years would I have thought of using that tactic when I was a kid.
?Son, you didn?t? please tell Daddy that you didn?t do that.?
?I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid!!!!!! I HATEYOOOOOOOOOOOOUuUuUuuuuuu!!!?
A collective ?Eewww!? goes up from the crowd, and everyone backs up. Some of us busted out laughing. Ok, I busted out laughing. I couldn’t help it — I was in some sort of bewildered shock.
Daddy picks up the kid, who is still bellowing and now has runny, wet brown spots seeping through the legs of his corduroys, and wrestles him a bit to keep from getting slapped in the face again.
?I think I?ll need drive-up for this tonight??
No shit, Daddy Sherlock. Drive-up, a tranquilizer gun, and an exorcist.
It seemed to take an eternity for the man and the stinky boy to make it to the door. Everyone was motionless until the automatic door swung shut behind them. We could still hear the kid through the storefront window, but at least we didn?t fear for our lives any more. Slowly, the tension broke and people started chuckling about what they had just witnessed.
Some guy in the next line over laughingly said:
?That reminds me. I have to buy some condoms??
No kidding! I bet half the guys in the store did after seeing that! 
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31 Responses to “The Worst I’ve Ever Seen”
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Welcome to the here and now.
My name is Christine Thurow and I am a professional artist, living in my lovely home state of Iowa. My humor is sarcastic, my wit dry and my appetite for unbridled hedonism, ravenous. Did I say hedonism? I meant intelligent exchange.
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LMAO!! I know exactly what you’re talking about with those parenting techniques. Grrr. Why does this world have to be so politically correct, anyway?
(Don’t mind me, just a lurker)
Um, never mind the condoms. Time to call for a vasectomy.
THAT was hilarious!!! LOL
YES YES YES! That is EXACTLY what I’m talking about. It would take MORE ENERGY for the dad to just leave his groceries, grab the kid, leave the store, take him home, do time out or whatever yuppie shit is in style, and next time say “you can’t come to the store because you threw a temper tantrum last time”
No, that’s too much effort.
So, the dad does the lazy, psychobabble shit. And all the while, patting himself on the back for being THE MOST EXCELLENT parent.
You just described my brother and sister in law!
Parents like that are NOT DOING THEIR KIDS ANY FAVORS.
you see, i was starting to get excited that my friend was having a kid in january. damn. perhaps i need to reconsider the joy.
bluegirl
Worst Temper Tantrum
Christine, over at infinitepink musings, has the worst temper tantrum story I’ve ever heard! It’s filled with lots of humor,
Oh my, that is so hysterically sad. I mean, I can laugh about it since it wasn’t me in the store… but geeez! Ok, I am sorry, but a spanking now would benefit the child instead of waiting until later when he can beat you back… My parents would have beaten the snot out of me if I had ever pulled that…
And really, do we need to pander to the entertainment of our children 24/7? I saw those stupid car things in the grocery store, and said just one word… NEVER!
Worst Temper Tantrum
Christine, over at infinitepink musings, has the worst temper tantrum story I’ve ever heard! It’s filled with lots of humor,
Bwah! Hilarious story, great entry. I’ll be back.
I had to deal with a situation with a neighbor like this today. When I read thisI laughed so hard, but, I have to say that the sad part about this whole thing is that if the dad had walloped the kid a good one, he would have been reported as a child abuser. There’s a difference between abuse and a discipinary spanking. What the child was doing to his dad……..THAT’S ABUSE! And it’s allowed. So, by not spanking, the parent is allowing the child to abuse and the child is learning that it’s okay to beat up mommy and daddy. The child also learns later in life that he can call the authority on his parents and threatens to do so. Man, this world is messed up.
Oh my god, please, take my uterus and run with it as fast as you can to the local incinerator. I can’t believe that kid shit his pants.
A tantrum and a half
Andy linked to an article that made me realise why I love blogs so much. I now present The Worst Tantrum I’ve Ever Seen. The
bwahahahaha! i laughed so loud i just scared the dog!
shit on command!? what a tricky lil devil!!
Shit on Command
infinitepink musings: The Worst I’ve Ever Seen >> Now, we taught Roxy how to shit on command, but this is
Oh wow! Thanks for the good laugh. I always complain about screaming kids in stores. Parents have NO control. I left Target once when I had terrible PMS because of some yelling, screaming brat who could be heard from the other side of the store. I had my cart half filled with things I needed but I left it in the middle of the aisle and just walked out. Now that’s just wrong. The MOTHER should have been the one to abandon HER cart and take her snot nosed brat home! Grrrr!
omigod!!! it’s like taking candy from a baby! i can’t believe this father lets his son talk to him like that? i bet the kid screams like that a home and he and/or his wife doesn’t do a damn thing. i wonder how much detergent they buy.
great entry. i found you linked on Cis’s blog.
All that child needs is a bare bottom spanking.
A tantrum and a half
Andy linked to an article that made me realise why I love blogs so much.
i laughed, i cried. i’da given anything to be in that grocery store
now, where is that story from 67…
Reading this just affirms my decision NOT to ever have kids!
If I had pulled that shit when I was a kid, my parents would have handed my ass to me for it.
And what’s up with those kiddie cars? They’ve got a couple of those up at my local grocery store, which is a seriously bad move. The place is crowded enough already, without these monstrosities.
What the hell is it with kids these days? Or should I ask- What the hell’s up with the parents?
Well, what a HORRIBLE thing. But you also have to blame society along with the parents. Now, if this duh had actually SPANKED the little snot, some nosy aZZ would be calling social services and you KNOW I am telling the truth!
I am so happy that I had a tubal ligation!
You know, I think if more people complained about having to deal with this stuff we would see some change.
I won’t shop at a grocery store if they have those car things. And I think stores would have policies about removing “problem customers” if they knew everyone else would leave.
Hmmm, sounds like a perfect poster boy for birth control. I have a 10 year old female cousin like that. My husband says all he needs to do is think of her when he want to be reminded why he doesn’t want kids!
The Dad in this story should’ve done what my mother used to do to my brother and I if we dared act up in public when we were kids. She would take us by them arm, and then pinch us inside the arm, in a way that nobody could see what she was doing. That, accompanied by a nasty glare and a stern warning, usually shut us up pretty quickly!
What a great story! I loved the part about the little bastage shitting its pants….and the fact that the duhd didnt have the balls to do anything about it. Talk about a trainwreck of a famblee….makes me really glad I’m childfree and won’t ever have to put up with a nasty little twatdropping like that. Sucks to be moo!
Oh.. oh.. oh my God…
Now I have to explain to my co-workers why I’m laughing so hard…
sick, sick, sick, if I ever did that as a child my father would of beat me black and blue in front of one and all and it wouldn’t of been abuse back then. If my son on the other hand had done that, who am I kidding, my son never ever would. I have, and, am raising him right. The one tantrum he pulled on me in the store I walked away just like my Mom did to me when I did the same thing at 3 yrs. old and I never did it again. Abandonment works well.
Yeah, well if my son behaved like that I’d have smacked him. Probably not until he started the headbanging though. Though I think some firm direction and limit setting would have been in order well before that, as soon as he was resistant to getting out.
But I laughed my tits off at the story!
If I was his father, I would have slapped that kid across the face so hard he’d see stars.
No, wait, if I WAS his father, my son wouldn’t even act that way, because I’d DISCIPLINE him.
God! X_x Kids these days!
But thats so funny that the parents are just saying “Jhonny, thats okay for you to slap me and scream in public.”
I would of laughed my head of if i saw that, though.
Wow! I’ve seen some tantrums in my lifetime, but this one takes the cake!
I would have definitely marched his little butt to the store bathroom and tanned his bare behind.
In my day… my mother and/or father ould have beat me within an inch of my life for such behavior.
I just don’t understand how parents can allow their children to behave this way. What does this tell us about who will be running our country in the next 20-30 years?
Aargh!
Old School Dad